no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
