Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Randomize
