pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
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Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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