I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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