Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
