if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
