I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
