he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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