Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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