Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
