It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
