Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
