I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
