Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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