Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
