How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
