she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize