i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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