i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
