Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
