wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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