No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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