Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
