$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
