my shit smells like andre
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
