Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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