I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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