I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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