Will you blow on my dice?
Say something about gay babies.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
