I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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