god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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