you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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