i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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