Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
