I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
