So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
