Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
