Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
