I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
