Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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