So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
