Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
