Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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