Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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