Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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