Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
