he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
