No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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