wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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