Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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