Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
