By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
