how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
