So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
