some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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