White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
