Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am puke
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
