just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
