It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
