I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize